Thank You, Next: The Truth about Dating Apps

Yes, as I write this post, Ariana Grande’s new hit song “Thank You, Next” has been flooding all music charts and everywhere that possibly has speakers. Literally, every shop I walk into the song is blasting and drowning all my thoughts so I thought it to be a sign. My flat mate disagrees, her strongly worded text message to me partly read “don’t title your blog post that!”. But I’m stubborn. I’m a Taurean bull.

By now we can all pretty much figure out that I could write a book about my dating history. My stepdad thinks I should capitalize over the useless men that have played tricks on me over the years and I’m actually getting sold on the idea. So here’s how I got so knowledgeable on this dating apps topic: I was approaching the end of my Master’s degree, my previous relationship had ended because of the distance and other lingering issues I won’t bother writing about. The idea of dating again hadn’t crossed my mind since then, partly because a 15 000 word master’s thesis was already a lot to think about. I mean, my thesis practically haunted me in my sleep for months (I wish this was a hyperbole, but it’s not). It was a perpetual nightmare. Anyway, I finally woke up from my nightmare and suddenly had a lot more time on my hands. The start of Winter Wonderland was also a strong motivator.

The subtle hints from my grandmother telling me that she’s excited for when her eldest granddaughter’s ties the knot (that eldest granddaughter being me by the way) and the constant questioning on my relationship status also played a strong part. I had heard a few success stories at work and so following that, I was sold on the idea and I decided to bite the bullet and join Bumble. If you don’t know what bumble is (of which by the end of this blog you should be well-informed), bumble is a dating app, much like tinder but less casual (or at least I thought). Here girls have the ultimate power and can decide to talk to who they wish to after a match. With all that power comes a catch as they have 24 hours to talk first and if no conversation has been struck 1 of 2 things can happen:

1. Your match expires and you can never engage in conversation again and the hope of a wedding in the South of France or the prospect of dying together dies in that moment. OR

2. Your Handsome prince-to-be can extend his chance to hear from you by another 24 hours. If no contact is made in that time then back to point 1

After a couple days of swiping (mostly left) I had a match which I actually seemed interested in. So after minutes of deliberating what creative things to say to engage in conversation first, I opted for a very original “Hey [insert name] J”. For the purposes of this blog let’s name him “Doc”. Doc had all the right qualities, he was smart, he seemed lovely, he was sensitive, paid attention to detail, and was very complimentary. Oh and he was the owner of the fluffiest cute looking dog. I thought to myself “attractive and intelligent?” It’s a jackpot! I know you’re thinking how could that possibly go wrong right?

It was too good to be true of course. It turns out Doc was playing a game. One where he seemed like the good cop but was in fact the brutal cop- and you wonder why the police brutality statistic is so high?

The thing about these dating apps is:

• Most potential suitors almost always want one thing:

and Doc was no exception to this rule.

• These potential suitors will do almost anything to get that one thing:

Be it woo you, call you beautiful, or pretend to be pinning to know how your day has been spent in detail. They may even send you cute photos of themselves in bed in their eye mask (I wear an eye mask to sleep every night, so I appreciate that, ok) or cuddling their dog. See right through it and reach for the exit.

• You’re most likely not going to find your prince charming on a dating app:

Try not to be naïve and expect to find prince charming on Bumble and if you do, count yourself lucky.

• There is far too much choice:

The “Paradox of choice” has us believing that the grass is greener on the other side which means dating apps make it so difficult to form real connections or convey our real emotions. If God forbid you go so far as to say one thing your match doesn’t quite agree with or raise up an issue that perhaps bothers you, your match only has to swipe right to the next person and hope for a better candidate.

To put this into perspective, Doc had decided to pause his Bumble account since we had a “real connection” and were engaging a lot more than anticipated. A couple weeks later we had our first misunderstanding, and I received a notification to welcome him back to Bumble before we even had the chance to discuss our differences. I mean, why would you solve an issue with someone you have a connection with when you can just swipe right on to the next thing right? Beats me.

So the moral of the story is: despite having the name “dating” apps, the term dating is used very loosely and If you want a casual arrangement, download all dating apps right this minute because there are many “Docs” flooding them. And finally, PLEASE don’t fall for their act.

Thank You Doc, Next.

Tanaka x